Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I have had three kids. There is Connor, who is six, Hudson who is 10 months, and Carlos who would be three. On January 19 2006, I went to the doctor for a regular pregnancy check up. To make a long story short, I left that appointment pregnant with a dead baby. I was given a few different options on how to proceed, and I chose to go home and wait to go into labor. On January 21, I went into labor and delivered Carlos Everett Walker III at home in our bathtub. I have always wanted a home water birth, but not the way it happened. I've never stopped thinking about baby Carlos, and where he would be developmentally, how old he would be, what he would be doing, what his personality would be. Until today, it had been a long time since I have cried over him. As I was thinking about him today, I just broke down crying. I picked up Hudson and held him so close. He looked at me like he was wondering why I was crying. Even though I am sure he wasn't able to understand what I was saying, I told him about the brother he will never know.