It Is What It Is.........

I've put off writing this post for awhile. I know I will come off sounding like a giant cry baby, but that is not my intention. I just want to put it out there what my life is like, and what I would like it to be like. I lead a very lonely existence. 99% of my time is spent at home. The other 1% is spent either running errands or at church. My interactions outside of my home are minimal. When I run errands, I have polite conversations with the people I have dealings with, but rarely see anyone I know. When I go to church, most people don't acknowledge me or my kids. The last time I was there, which was 2 Sundays ago, it was a good day at church. Five people spoke to me. Isn't that sad, that out of all the people who go to my church, only five people spoke to me?

There was a time when I had friends. The number of friends I have has slowly dwindled over the years since I started having kids. I am still friends with just one person I went to college with. I actually don't think of her as a friends, but rather as family. We pledged the same sorority, and have been friends since the fall of 1998. The people who were in my wedding, I just knew would be my friends forever. Now, I don't even talk to them. If it wasn't for facebook, I wouldn't even know what they were doing!

About two years ago, I joined the local MOMS club. I met some new people, and for awhile saw and/or talked to a couple of them a few times a week. As life would have it, those interactions have become pretty much non-existent. Unfortunately, the MOMS club had to disband due to a lack of interest. The ladies I became friends with thru the MOMS club have their own thing going on. One of them has gone back to work, so her free time is very limited. Another one has a kid in kindergarten, and a baby a couple months older than Hudson. Her time is limited, too, so it is hard to find the time to talk or hang out. I think she might have even gone back to work part-time, but I am not sure.

I have always had trouble making friends. I have trust issues, so I find it really hard to open up and be myself around people. I tend to be on the reserved side when around people I don't know very well. I want people to like me, and my family. I really want friends I can talk to about what's going on in my life, and friends I can go out to lunch or dinner with. I want people in my life who are truely interested in what is going on. When they ask how are you, I want people who really want to know the answer, instead of only wanting to hear fine.

As lonely as I am right now, I love my life. I love that I am able to stay home with my kids and be the one to raise them. I actually like being a housewife. I find a certain kind of enjoyment in running the household and making sure things are done. I'm just lonely.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I have had three kids. There is Connor, who is six, Hudson who is 10 months, and Carlos who would be three. On January 19 2006, I went to the doctor for a regular pregnancy check up. To make a long story short, I left that appointment pregnant with a dead baby. I was given a few different options on how to proceed, and I chose to go home and wait to go into labor. On January 21, I went into labor and delivered Carlos Everett Walker III at home in our bathtub. I have always wanted a home water birth, but not the way it happened. I've never stopped thinking about baby Carlos, and where he would be developmentally, how old he would be, what he would be doing, what his personality would be. Until today, it had been a long time since I have cried over him. As I was thinking about him today, I just broke down crying. I picked up Hudson and held him so close. He looked at me like he was wondering why I was crying. Even though I am sure he wasn't able to understand what I was saying, I told him about the brother he will never know.